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REDLANDS, CA – In a calculated attempt to appease his supporters, Congressman Ron Paul announced on Saturday that his campaign had procured all remaining tickets to the popular Southern California music festival, Coachella.
“Everywhere I go across the country, my supporters ask me the same questions: When will we pull out of Afghanistan, how will you bring down our nation’s debt, and can you get us tickets to Coachella?” Paul continued, “I’m the only candidate in this race with a plan to do all of those things.”
“Our plan is to scalp the tickets at Coachella,” explained Paul’s campaign manager John Tate. “But we’re only selling them to tried and true Paul supporters. If you can’t explain what the Gold Standard is, you isn’t getting a ticket.”
Paul’s campaign website crashed within minutes of the announcement, as a flurry of would-be supporters flocked to the site looking for tickets. “I’ve never voted in my life, but when I learned he had tickets, I was like, ‘where do I register?’” said Dan Santini, a self-described “employee of Mother Earth” from San Jose. As for how Paul was able to get any tickets to the sold out event, he was reportedly able to cozy up to retiring Congressman Jerry Lewis – who represents the Coachella Valley – and was given exclusive privileges over the public on discounted tickets. “I’m retiring, so what do I care?” remarked the 77 year-old Lewis.
The idea to acquire and distribute Coachella tickets is a stroke of genius on the part of the Paul campaign, as even the candidate admits, “Libertarians, by and large, are just Republicans who want to take drugs and listen to music.”
By: Sam Rodriguez